pregnant.

i've been feeling like having a baby. everyday i wake up and just want to have a child. i can't help it. my period was late this week and I was so happy. I even prayed about it. but when i got my period this morning i was disappointed. i even said to myself why can't i just be pregnant. i remember in the past thinking i was pregnant. broken condoms and fearing that it would happen but never did. for a minute i thought i couldn't have kids. even my ex-bf was like "damn ur not pregnant!?!" he even said to me one time, "maybe u can't have kids..." i really pray thats not the case. but i really feel to just ...iono. have a family. i am so ready. i can feel it.

whats good...

hey, whats up. i've been just living life. working. making and spending money. love my fam, love my man. loving life with all the good and the bad. had a great xmas and a wonderful time just chillaxin. hi.

its so cold.

my heart beats to the 808's you represent.
ur voice cries out to me through song.
the melody rising and falling.
i can hear ur sweet voice through my heart.
the strings and orchestra are calling me to ring ur doorbell.
to the right to the right.
all my things are to the right.
i remember walking in.
i remember laying down with you.
i remember ur skin color.
ur smell and miami bass beats against my inner.
damn i miss u.
it's cold outside.

long weekend.

i had a good one. i only thought of you a couple of times. a couple of long times. i was sitting in the car warming it up. waiting for my boyfriend to check out of the hotel. i looked at the empty seat next to me. and i started looking around. i saw a guy warming up his car too. i imagined seeing you. and things we've done, did. things like that. your voice. how it skips sometimes like an old record. the hisses and pops are the most sexiest and unforgetable things about your voice. i had a good weekend. a long weekend.

the intrigue was killing me '98.

i was working at walmart at that time and everything seemed perfect. i was making money and obeying my parents. i was riding around in my dad's new BMW and i felt sooo fresh. the year was behind me and all the things i had done were slowly fading away. i had ranaway to california and back. i had slept with a guy who gave me a horrible but curable std. and now i'm here.

i met a guy through one of my cousins and we immediately hit it off. he was younger then me, 15 at that time but i was okay with it. besides i had just been sexually with a 36 year old man the year previous. so why not try something totally opposite.

he was kind, young and full of energy. we spent alot of time with eachother.

one day i hooked school and called my cousin to see what she was up to. she said nothing and i asked her if i could come by and we could spend the day together. but really i needed an excuse to hook school. i had already missed enough school so i guess doing this somehow made me feel better. we made up a lie even before i started getting ready to go out there. the lie was that she needed me to give her a ride to the hospital because her daughter was not feeling good. so there the pack was made.

i picked up my guy and then drove to pick up my cousin and her baby. we drove all around boston. so much so that to this day if i drive tooo much around boston, i'll get a headache.

after we dropped off my cousin maybe around 8p.m. i headed toward his place and we talked in the car. and made out. we lost track of time and soon enough it was a little past 10p.m. the time i usually leave work to head home. i got on the highway and drove as fast as i could. i know, i just learned how to drive on the highway some hours ago.

i got home and my parents were waiting on me to get home. at first i felt like i had gotten away with it, until my father asked me if i was at work. what a funny question i thought. i said yes of course. he said well we asked your manager if you were there and he said you called out. i was busted. big time. we argued back and forth. and finally i decided to leave. i decided to runaway. i packed my school bag with some stuff and started out the door.

i felt so unwanted and not realizing what i was doing to my family. i left and right behind was my dad. i knew he couldn't let me leave. i knew he would calm my mother down. i just knew...

he asked me if i needed a ride to the bus stop.

i said no. i walked towards main street to catch the bat bus. a stranger walked up to me and asked if i had missed the commuter rail. i said no i'm trying to catch the bat bus. he then said well ur about to be late, can i help you with ur bag. before i could say anything he grabbed my bag and we ran up to the bus stop. just in time to catch it. i said goodbye and never say him again.

i got to the guy's house and his parents were bugging about me having to stay there. i had to leave. so i went to my aunt's house and spent the night. i woke up early because she had said the night before that i couldn't stay there long. i took the T and went back over to that guy's house. we spent the day together and i just knew i had to go somewhere else. i went to my other aunt's house in brockton and she said the same thing. i couldn't stay there long. so left and hit the streets. i got to a phone booth and dialed my ex and tried to see if i could stay with him. his brother said i could come over. so i took another bus over to the south side. it was obvious that his older brother liked me. we sat in my ex's room and he tried hard to get me naked and to fuck. i denied him and made up a lie that i was pregnant. he surprised me by saying well i can take care of u. magical words. i almost fell for it when my ex interrupted. and i ran out of the house. i went to the fone booth and called everyone who i could think of. one person answered. Kenny, my best friend in high school. i told him the same lie and he knew it was a lie. but he got his dad to come and pick me up. as i stood there and waited to be rescued a guy drove by and started beeping, thinking i was a whore. i was sooo scared.

he came back again and started yelling at me. wanting to know how much i was. the third time he came around he stopped the car and got out. he was wearing fatigues and no shirt. he walked towards me and asked me who i was. and why i was standing out here. he then said he had something to show me. it was like i knew. and turned around as if he was a big ball of flames and the light was blinding. he then started yelling at me. wanting me to look at his exposed self. i started crying. then he hurriedly got into his car and left. i couldn't control my crying and wanted so much to be home. safe.

kenny's dad pulled up and i got into the car. we drove to the south side and stepped out of the car. their house was much like mine but more ranch style then anything else. i remember smelling the inside of the house. it smelled like rice and beans and carne asada. kenny is colombian and guatamalian. his mom introduced herself and fixed me a plate to eat. she obviously knew i was in some trouble. also she was feeding off of the lie kenny told them. they were extremely religious and knew it was wrong to banish a child for being pregnant, rather they didn't want me to abort it. his mom set up a cot in kenny's little brother's room. where i fell asleep to the sounds of cartoons. i had all my clothes on. even my sneakers.

i heard someone in the hall way. his voice was stagnant in the house and didn't echo. it was soothing. and i knew that was kenny's older brother. he sounded nice. but back asleep i fell.

then i felt tugging on my clothes. it was kenny. he whispered me to be quiet. he was slow with every movement. he unbuckled my suspenders and took off my sneakers. he layed me down and kissed my lips like as if he had always done it before. i jumped up to catch his lips before his was done. and wanted to bury myself in him. i slept so soundly that night. until the morning when i had to go back home.

memories.

it was the spring of 98. and the day before i had asked a guy named Jose to pick me up from school and bring me home. he drove a red honda civic hatchback and was very soft spoken. his eyes were rustic and old soul-ish. he was cape verdean in every sense of the word. he had a small accent and wore, on somedays, sandal's and socks.

he was my boyfriend's, or should i say at that time, ex-boyfriend's cousin.

from the first time we met. in a crowded car. we were instantly fixated on eachother. he started to talk to my best friend and i was his cousin's girl. we would eventually talk on the fone for hours. he would also give me compliments here and there in front of his cousin. i absolutely loved his intelligence and was intoxicated by his smooth red wine voice. he was into all the same things i was into and had alot more time for me then my boyfriend. at that time we were going through some issues. i kept hearing roomers of him flirting with all the girls in school. he was 2 grades higher then me but that didn't deter me from hearing all that he was doing. that said. his cousin seemed to adore every droplet of our conversation.

we become so heated and started to spend so much time together. september 26, 1997 i asked him to come over my house. i played hooky that day and he came straight over. i was upset about hearing that flavio had slept with another girl that i wanted some comfort. my grandfather was living with us at that time so when he came into the house i asked him to be very quiet.

months before this me and my boyfriend were in my house. trying hard to de-virginize my body, but it didn't work. i guess, maybe, i think, this was meant to be. me and Jose.

i held his hand and we walked down to the basement. it was the family room. with red velvet couches and a t.v. we sat down and we talked. he kissed me. we kissed eachother. i got so hot that i knew i wanted him.

i grabbed some blankets in the laundry room and shut the door. we were in the dark. i can still smell the clean laundry sitting to the left of us. i layed is down and we started to continue to make out. he was so smooth and soft. he whirled around my body like magic. making sure he kissed every last spot. all these emotions started running through my mind and body.

he was naked and so was i. i could feel his hot penis against my vagina. i remember thinking i wanted to pee.

he tried sliding in and i had a shock of pain. it ran right down the middle of my body and induced tears from my eyes. he calmed me down much like a mother would a child. and he started again. slowly. softly. so much patience that it finally fit through and it was painful. but his voice soothed me oh so well.

i hear footsteps. it's coming toward the door, hurry! get out the back door. RUN! my grandfather tries to pen the door. but i had locked it. i said WHAT?!? what do you want?!? when the coast was clear he opened the door. i was dressed and pretended i was doing laundry. it was a clear getaway.

my house fone rang. i picked it up. it was my boyfriend. he wanted to see me and talk about the roomers flying around. i told him he could come over but only for a little while. he walked into my kitchen. i had not even washed Jose's smell off of me.

i sat next to him but at an angle. he looked at me and started rambling about all the talk that was going around and said that they were lies, and that he felt bad for not getting to talk earlier. something inside murmured. he said what? i then knew i had said it out loud. i said um, nothing. please continue. he kept going on and on. i interrupted and the fone rang. it was Jose. asking how i was doing. i said i'm fine. he wanted to come by right then to give me a proper goodbye. i said no he couldn't. my boyfriend wanted to know who it was so i shunned him. then i hung up. he obviously knew something was up. but i said it was my mom. he knew hat was lie.

he continued his story until i had enough and had to confess. i told him everything. it was like the more words i spewed out of mouth the bigger his head got and the color of his face started to change like blowing up balloons. he asked where his cousin would be. i said i don't know. and started crying. he called his cousin's home and he wasn't there. he stormed out of my house and vowed to beat up his cousin. i begged and cried.

later that day i found out that they did end up meeting and they did get into an altercation.

the rest was history. me and Jose tried to be more then just lovers. but it didn't work. then me and my ex started something again. but that didn't work.

that spring of the next year Jose picked me up to let me know he was going to study abroad. i at that point hated his every being. not because he did anything wrong to me but just because he was there, and i was helpless. i guess the only person i can blame for being prey was me. it seemed like everytime me and Jose spent time together it was just to fuck.

it wasn't like the first time. he came by my house at around midnight to say goodbye. knocking around on my basement windows and woke up the whole house. my parents called the police and when they came the police offer asked if anything got broken, nothing stolen? and my father said No. this guy was just knocking on the windows. so the police offer asked...do you have any daughters?

that being said. he left for England. and wrote me constantly. only now do i appreciate what kind of man he was and is.

my best friend took my virginity.

must be lust.

i can't stop thinking about you. i lay in bed and thing of ur size. i have dreams and wake up wet. why? i have a sex toy about ur size and i run rampid on it whenever i get the chance. i keep remembering breathing hard when it slide inside and exhaling when it slides out. arg. it must be lust. i should stop.

i saw a bugs bunny movie on sat. i should be more loyal in thought.

i wanted to.

i called him friday night wanting him to be there at the club. he said he was sleeping. that was fine cause when i left the club i was looking a mess. even my cousins were like girl you look awful. Lol. when i spoke to him i caoould smell him and taste his lips. i could picture myself walking into his home and undressing right in the hall way. i could picture his lips dropping low and his eyes dancing around my curves. his hands touching my soft skin and his manhood rising in salute. my lips against his is all i could icture, it was such a sweet erotic moment that i did not want to hang up, in fear that this imagination might end. we hung up. as i was driving up towards bowdoin street i wanted so much to run on hancock and ride all the way to his home. i wanted to park in discreet and walk up those stairs softly. i had trouble remember which button was his ringer andd figured i could probably knock on the window without waking anyone upstairs. then i could see his peering through his window to check on who it is at 3 o'clock in the morning. then his opening the door and letting me in, asking me all kinds of questions. but then stopping when he noticed me heading into the bathroom getting ready for a shower. i would come out of the bathroom soaking wet and wanting him to make love to me.

how my mind wonders is a mystery to me. sounds like lust. i find myself thinking about your body, lips, smile, face, skin, arg everything. i'm done.

memories.

i'm here sitting at my desk with all the fluorescent lights off and the only thing lighting my way to the key board is not my monitor, but my little Ikea lamp. it's sooo cute. I have some Lavender and Violet air freshener to my right and my Dunkin Donut coffee to my left. my glasses lay next to my office fone and my sticky pad is right in front. my head fones are off to my left attached to my computer behind my monitor. my cell fone is almost behind my to my left because of the shape of my desk. L.

i thought before i started writing of what i was going to say. or type. i have so many fond memories in my head and i can't find which one i should chat about.

i guess i will continue with the meeting of men through tech media's.

i was 17 and bored. it was summertime. high school was almost over. the year before i had gone through a traumatic situation. met an older guy online and run away with him to california. he took my innocence by corrupting my mind. so this year was terribly different.

i wanted so much to forget that year and all the things i'd done to my family and myself. from that day, i was known as the runaway. i couldn't escape everyone knowing what i had done. my name was the subject of gossip for years to come.

as i sat there at the kitchen table contemplating calling someone, anyone. i ran through my list of people to call in my little phone book, which i might add i found the other day. i called flavio first. my first love. the first guy i ever cheated on. and the first guy to ever do me wrong.

he wasn't available. like always.

i got to a page with lots of numbers on it and recognized one of them. the party line. ever since i started talking to the guy from mattapan i stopped using the partyline. it was boring and every year there was younger and younger kids on there, and plus i heard there were undercover cops on there trying to catch people hooking school or doing other things. i had already been in trouble so i really didn't want to get into that again.

until that very boring and slow summer day.

i picked up the fone and dialed in. pressed 7. then chose the room to which i would be introduced to a strong sounding man from malden.

he was so smooth. he seemed to talk straight through to me. we chatted privately and the conversation lasted for hours. it was like that movie Love potion #9. His voice had some power over me that i just couldn't deny him anything.

he wanted for me to visit him. i said i can't i have things to do around the house. but really i had nothing, i was more afraid of leaving home and my mom founding out. it was about 1p.m. when i decided i would leave and come back, making up some lie when i was to return home later that evening.

i packed my bag and walked towards main street to catch the BAT bus. he had told me that he lived alone in malden and that he would meet me at fanuel hall.

I met him after about hours trying to get there. he was just as he described. 5'10 hispanic, in his early 20's, dark eyes and dark hair. he was beautiful. his face seemed like it was chiseled out of stone and his eyes were intoxicating like his voice. he was someone i wanted to be with.

we walked towards to bus that took you over the bridge and into malden. i recognized where we were because my mom would come up there to star market to shop. the bus was packed and there was one seat available. he sat down and insisted i sit on his lap. i sat and felt his strong legs underneath me.

we arrived at his stop and we walked up this curvy hill. his house sat in the middle of the street. light green. we walked inside and up the stairs. he lived on the second floor. i remembered our conversation and how he said his parents lived on the first floor and he lived on the second. when i walked upstairs it was obvious that was a lie. he lived with his parents and his older sister named joanna who had a child.

we went straight into his bedroom after being introduced to all of them. i wanted to confront him with his disinformation, but i did not. i sat in his room and we talked and laughed. at times he was very hostile, but he would calm down. he was aggressive when he first kissed me. he made all the moves and wanted me to spend the night. i knew i couldn't but he just wouldn't let me leave. we went out for a walk and he stroked every part of my body like i was the last woman he would ever touch. hungry he was.

it was dusk and my stomach started to turn. i had to go home now or else. i begged him to let me leave. i begged. Ha.

it wasn't like he had me tied up or anything. well...he did. mentally. no matter how hard i tried i couldn't escape his words. it was about 8p.m. when i knew i wouldn't be going home that night. we walked all over malden and he passionately kissed my skin. he told me that in order for me to sleep over i was to lie and say that i missed the last bus from malden to go back home, so thus i was homeless for the night. we walked back to his house at 11:30p.m. his parents were angered that i had to stay there and it made it all the more uncomfortable.

i slept on his bed which looked to be unmade for quite some time. i could smell his hair on his pillows. he was made to sleep in the living room only 3ft. away from his bedroom door. i couldn't sleep. it started to rain that night and i kept wishing that i was at home safe in my clean bed. i wished so hard that i fell asleep not noticing who was in the room. he was at the foot of the bed, almost sizing me up. i noticed him because he moved the bed with his knee so that he could climb onto the bed. he got on top of my with his muscular body and began to grind on me. i wanted him before but at that moment i didn't. i wanted him to wait, to get to know me, to just give me a minute to love him. he entered me and left.

i lied there awake, watching the sun come up through his window. i went to rest room and washed up, being really quiet. i left and left him behind too. i went to the bus stop and sat with the morning workers for the city. i got to my house. my parents were at work and took a long hot shower. only did i notice days after that i had not left alone and that he had given me something. i went to cvs and took some medicine for it and searched on what i got either from him or from the bed. later that week i went to the doctor and found out that i had got crabs. i told him. he denied. and called me names. i will never forget that long summer day.

wat i have been up to.

been working on some websites as usual. been learning flash, n now i have a new code to learn too...ASPX. its a code that allows u to create online stores...very hard.i'm trying to hire some help to help out with the multiple site i got, so i called a friend of mine last night to help me out and in thus help himself out. it is all about the money...isn't it?

i called and he's down to meet today after work.

he's known me since i was 17 years old. we meet in a chat room and once i found out he was the one behind the coding and holdng the websites power, i latched on to him like a computer virus. Lol. it wasn't that serious. he helped me mold my creativity to computer programing. I did it for a while until my brain started to hurt. i figured from that day, that my passion was for the more artzy side of the web.

i met him like a year after. i went to his crib. i saw a pic before i met him, but you know how it is. those far away fuzzy, distored pictures over the net.

when i walked up to his doorway and rang the bell he came to the door and i was like...hmmm. no wonder he's a programmer.

i know i'm mean...but hea. i wasn't attracted. i usually tr to find something in someone that i find attractive. Like hands, eyes, neck, shoulders, lips, smile. SOMETHING. and he just didn't do it for me. so ever since then he's just been a friend.

okay okay truthfully he kissed me and i kept it at that. i had to come forth and tell him that i wasn't feeling him like that and basically the kiss was more of a pity thing. =\.

i don't think i date the most handsome men, i just find something in them or on them that i just can't take my eyes off. don't get me wrong...iv'e dated the cream of the crop, but found that the crop was more appealing and had alot more to offer then the cream. after all, cream evaporates with time.

sometimes i wonder about my eyes. why do they see such beauty in people? i love to love little things.

for example...i met a guy on the party line...remember that! Lol. and when i first met him he didn't really catch my eye like that. i mean he was iight. but after spending a little more time with him, he became beautiful. his personality just shown from him and i was in awe from that point on. he was trini and white. he lived in mattapan and drove his mom's car. i was 18, but we were talking since i was 15. he had that voice like Baltazar from 94.5 back in the day. that in it self drove me crazy.

we had always talked about meeting and what would we do. physically. cause after all...we talked daily before that. i remember sitting on his couch and waiting for him to grab me something to drink. he was 19 and it seemed like he had lived years before that.

he sat down beside me and complimented me on my outfit. HA! i was wearing a skin tight skirt with a white blouse. the skirt was sooo tight that i was sweating between my thighs and the only way to escape it was to rub my knees together or extend my legs outward to let the breeze come in. he lingered over my face astonished that this was the very girl he would waste away his minutes on.

i wanted him to make a move, after all he might be my soulmate for life. i sat and waited while we talked about nothing. i watched his mouth move and his hands rub anxiously on his dark blue jeans. i got up pretending to stretch my legs and took off my shoes. i kept thinking well i guess i will make a move cause he sure was too nervous to make one.

so i walked towards the cd player and browsed through his and his mom's collection. i picked out a couple of cd's and didn't really like the mood they were setting and switched to the trusty radio.

i sware, back in the day the radio seemed to play whatever i was feeling at the time. maybe that was what everyone felt. it was a slow song so i started dancing. i really thought my dancing was the most exotic and alluring thing to a man, every man. i never got any complaints.

i dragged him onto his feet and we started dancing. then kissing. then grinding. then onto the floor, where he tonged my belly button. i was in extasy. i wormed around on the floor trying to inch away from his lips. he dragged me closer and snatch my hips. he went down on me on the cold hardwood floor. how ironic. we played with eachother's bodies for hours, then i had to leave. i knew my mom was waiting for me at home. i had hooked class that day. i got up and got dressed. well actually pulled my underwear on. and tugged to slip my tight skirt down around my sweaty hips.

i said good bye and told him i would visit again. i walked off the porch and stepped across the street to the red Toyota 4Runner. and pulled off.

whoa memories. so where was i going with this? iono. PeaceEasy.

blogger confessions.

i am so into current events and news. I was listening to this talk radio station and the host was talking about how someone made a billboard talking about the Deval Patrick, and how the billboard showed an empty parking lot. Thats really all I got out of it because paying attention the corner killers in Brockton is a full time stint. So anyway the Host goes on to say that CNN declared this advertising racist. The host didn't understand why, he said "I don't think this is racist, why would it be, it's just an empty parking lot...sheesh" Okay...he didn't say sheesh but you get the idea.

This got me so mad I was thinking about calling in and giving him a piece of my mind. I understand that there are times where we black people as a society look too deep into things, and why shouldn't we. We should always be awarre of what people are saying especially white people because they get a little too slick with their words. Just like this billboard. An empty parking lot and the black man go hand in hand with the stereotype of black men being theives and what better place to rob someone then an empty parking lot. I think there are times that Black People should look into things, but then there are times like when a black person says, "YEA, IT'S CAUSE I'M BLACK." Arg, damned if you do, damned if you don't. I guess.

this weekend.

i knew i had to go out and wanted to go out. so i set up my cards and played them very well. while i was telling my mom i was going out she hit me with this news.

As I drove up to Boston talking to my husby on the phone I had that in the back of mind. I parked next to a gas station and bought myself a bag of chips and orange juice. I walked back to my car looking around and making sure my environment was safe, and also thhinking how I would defend myself just in case something was to happen. I got into work and I had this same conversation with my co-workers and they all had the same views. it's scary out there for women t just walk around alone. My co-worker Dan said he's upset that his fiance walks home alone sometimes from the bar. He lives in a nice area of Cambridge but yet he's still afraid. In my mind I thought that you could walk alone in the middle of Roxbury and the most that could happen is someone try to rob you, let alone chop you into pieces and leave in Blue Hill.

I heard on the radio this same conversation as well. Between black people and white people and how white people will chop someone to pieces but black people will shoot you first.

On Sunday while my parents, my husby and I sat down for dinner, we talked about this too. But it switched on parents losing their minds and killing their children. My dad stood his ground and said "HAVE YOU EVER HEARD A BLACK PERSON KILLING THEIR CHILDREN...No." Well I stepped in and said yes remember when...He denied that statement and said well there was something up with her, she couldn't afford those kids and thought she was doing it for the better, while the WHITE folks just kill because "GOD" told them to. Whats the difference?

If color is a divident to what is going on in society then this is a proof upon proof that racism is a crime. And who/what is the definition of what is wrong and right?

-thoughts

good to see you.

it's good to see you again.
good to hold you again.
good to kiss your face and breathe upon you again.
good to feel your hands on my body again.
i can't stop thinking about you.
good to see you.

em hotep.

"in peace"

I feel my mind has opened up since reading this book. i have learned so much about my home land, my ancestors and elders. who my mother is and how i came upon this earth. how i am earth. my womb is the center of my being and i am to treat my body as a temple, an opening to my future daughters and sons. in order to bring beauty in this world i have to treat my self in beauty and wholistic foods and thoughts. i have then served my womanhood to my land and old teachings. kemet here i come.

i drempt of xaimar last night.

i had a dream of my future unborn child. He was sleeping and moving around very slightly. i could feel him breathe and feel his soft skin against mine. his little body depending on me to survive. he was so sweet. wanting to be into this world so bad he interrupted my dreams just to say hello. i acknowledge you my little baby Xaimar.

u really know.

u really know how to make a woman retrace her steps and go back to a day. morning. when she would enter ur home and suck on u like ox tail and make love to u like as if it were the last piece of dick she would ever have. u know. how to make a woman fall back and recognize. u know. how to make a woman wish she could relive. u know. how to make a woman fantasize. fantasize. i am woman. but u already knew that.

plucking strings

ooo i wanna be here:

360 degree eye

I went to a afrocentric store in brockton and picked up a book called

Sacred Woman: A Guide To Healing The Feminine Body, Mind And Spirit

The lady behind the counter says this book is especially good for women who are trying to cleanse themselves and create a healthy womb and lifestyle. I am def. down to cleanse and release. I am going to buy some frankincense and myrrh to open my home and brush away the hate and plugged spiritualness. I am on a path, let's see where I go from here.

i want to visit you.

i want to visit you in ur cold bed. i want to touch ur face and say you look so cute. i want to place flowers by ur bed side and whisper how much i miss you. i want to come with all the saints attached to my wrists and say damn i loved you. i want to lay above ur bed and take in the ora rising up from your resting place. i want to dig my hands into the earth and plant my love for you always. i wish we made love that day i visited you and bought a sandwich from Pete's. i wish i could of fallen into your arms and had your children in peace and maybe just maybe you would still be here with me. was it a little girl or a boy that u wanted? i think it was a girl. you said so that she would have my smile and your good looks. i will never forget you. no matter how many good times i have my life or bad, a part of my tears will always belong with you. i hope my future son has your soul. i will meet you again. sleep soundly and i will be there to visit you soon.

i will tell reuben you said hi.

magical-majikal

i wish i had piano filled beat swings fingers and voice melodic and full of dance ryhthms and truthful goose bumbs and head nods full of motion and majikal sparkle dust. i wish i could make love and love that i love and make what i love to love to love and always love, truth. i wish i could stand on stage and stare into eyes wonder like laziness upon me. upon me you lay with wisdoms and wet hands. touch i wish i could feel upon my musty body, sweat filled tears and blood drained brain i stand to focus upon you. i never have full dreams of you with water crashing against my skin, cleaning me off from you. bless me i bless you and still you think of me in misty nights and drowning sheets. i flip through pages only to find something. 1943 thats where we met, in a crowded bar with slow and stainful music stinging my ears and rubbing against stubble, i feel and met you there. you and your shiny black patent leather shoes and starched clothes. me and my cream color dress with ruffles around the neck. we touched and danced into 2005. ice cream slurping and body quaking love. it's nice to meet you again. majikal.

having dreams.

i had a dream last night that i wasn't myself. i was at the middle east and i met you there like planned. we had drinks and we laughed, conversated and was truly genuine with one another. i also had a dream that my teeth were being ripped out of my mouth by a guy wielding a hugh blade. Hi thrusted the blade into my mouth and began to hack away my teeth, gums and all.

I really need to watch my ntake of horror movies.

Last night I had a dream I was with a girl. she wanted me to rub her until she came. iono what that was about but it was just as random as the mass murderer in my dreams.

It's funny that your the only person in this world that has an insight to my mind. a key. you come in, wipe your feet on the mat and sit down in this lazy-boy chair and begin to read on and on in my mind library. I don't even mind you going through my deep dark sanctuary. i don't feel anything while you squeeze your way through the dark and wet walls of my mind. burrying through the mess and confusion. i see you standing at the edge of my re-building ordering the fraggles around and making sure it's built up-right and strong. sometimes I confused you for someone else and combine you with someone else.

does it really matter when both of them mean so much to me. to my gate keepers.

Middle East- Friday Night

I had a blast at the Middle East. I partied hard and drank hard. I met so many cool people that now they all meshed into one. I think if I met these people some 6 months ago they would have been conquests of mine or another notch on mine or their belts. One thing for sure, I had a great time. I played this layed back woman from NYC. Happily married and looking dope. The band was hot and the people were real cool. The pizza place across the street was banging and I really can't wait to go out again with my girl and place our own stamp on the world. especially in Cambridge. That's the new hot spot and my mind is all ready set on that. once you go to a place like this...clubs just seem like a meat market and not a really cool place at all. I loved to be able to drink, have conversation and enjoy a good show, without being man handled 50 million times.

i loved being known as the girl with a man that lives hundredds of miles away and you can't touch her. little did they know. i'm only a half hour away. i wanted to invite someone along but thought not. mabe next time. peaceasy.

9/23

my b-day. i'm 25. PeacEasy.

business casual.

placing all poetry aside I had to blog this subject. how can businesses survive without people communicating. people at my job walk around assuming shit all day!!! this shit is annoying. I didn't get into the whole business environment so that I can feel like I'm in high school. I hear gossip more then recieving direction.

like today my boss' boss told my co-worker that I HAVE to do something and I have NO choice in the matter.

WHOA?!??? hold your horses. and I know my co-worker don't give a damn cause her last day is friday. so she's telling freelancers who are taking her job over to just be LAZY BASTARDS and not do shyt!!!

i just wrote a very long email to my bosses and let them know I AIN'T PLAYING!

argggggggggg business casual my ass.

smooth melodies

i sat on chemically treated wood and listened to voice. it travelled through my soul and touched me on my fingertip, i tossed out all negative thought and s3lf c0nc10usn3ss-3ss-ezzy feezy. the man sweeping away water also swept away my nervousness and i just...just. basically. lost in you. thank you mr. african cool blue for letting my rivers run wild through you and my hands across your strong black skin. you set me free. opened the cage you let me sit on your thumb and fore finger for a while until i could fly free.

i am womb. i am back to mother africa. i carry with me one star, one smile of jagged mountains and hair oils. allow me to send you my hand. grab ahold and travel with my dreams. a house in the middle of no-where deep in my mind we will live there and have children together. i know what they look like cause they are with me in dreams of low level mists and midnight blue skies. whispers i hear throughout the house and home i see you. i'll see you there, past midnight and before the day starts my home is occupied by you. deep deep deep in the core of my being. you are there.

love is...

i am so like a butterfly. i wonder everyday what could have been but really i need to wonder just why. why am i always wondering why, when i am here in essence. i am here in today not tomorrow. i went out with a friend and just wanted to make him smile just slightly so that i can feel i am being used. for the better. he told me that if we stay friends then one day i might want him more...hahaha i laughed. i laughed so loud he became self concious. concious i am. enough to know that i don't take steps backward only forward. forward i walk so don't worry. my hands won't wonder across your body. i will smile and make bright movements with my eyes. i dash across you like a scared lint ball. attached to you i was until i was rolled away sticky to another world. open to another world to another life i stay and will stay with your thought. it was just funny that this friend had the nerve to step to me in a way that was hilarious to me...HA! i thought of past people, past emotions and past doings. except for this one person i keep seeing in my mind. i remember his smell and his whole ora. it's scary and yet exciting to see him once again. sticky fingers huh. i have so much to tell you, i just don't wanna freeze.

i wanna say you will always be in my memory. a story of you i will tell my granddaughters. i story of falling so hard and always remember his urban vibe. his passion for his people. his african cool blue soul and red egyptian sand hands. easy.

damn aint it funny how one person could just make your whole world just...pause.

fist to my mouth, i pause.

hand to my chin, i breathe.

head tilted sideways, i see.

i was told today by a co-worker that i am PEACE.

my labor day weekend pics.

Get Your Own! | View Slideshow

pics coming soon...

i had a refreshing weekend. i saw half nekked women dancing n shaking all over the street i.e. West Indian Festival...it was Hot. I just layed back on the curb of a dirty parkway in his arms. Laughing, enjoying, n feeling his warmth. Men walk by n stare as my man stomps down his authority over my pretty smile. he owns my every essence n heart. i love you. we walked long hours through prospect park n down to 7th ave for some spicy thai food. i feel free...

listening to a cd i recieved last year.

i decided to do just this.

i feel so...

im so nervous...should i hug him? should i just give a hand shake? should i just nod my head and hope that he knows that i don't mean it that way? Or just go with the flow...hahaha what an idea...

how about i give him the ol' two step, cape verdean way. a kiss on the cheek and a back tap.

why do i feel like dancing to a slow spanish beat with him. a song that describes the pain and the sorrow I feel...the beat just pulsating through our bodies and tears streaming down my face in happiness. he spins me around and around until i get dizzy in his arms. my head on his shoulders and his chin on mine. his hands are getting sweaty so i wrap my arms around him as i take a good wiff of his cologne, im asleep. his dance steps involve my legs in a non-stop beat. my hips shake as he brings me closer to him. his hands slide down my side and pick up my arms and presses them hard on his shoulders.

i feel so nervous.

i had a revelation today.

i woke up feeling and i woke up breathing
i woke up with the thought of release and breathe easy
my mind creatively spawned a bed of cotton and lay easy
always under my cotton bed made with little hands i have a thorn
a thought, an uncomfortable lay, when i pay attention to this thought it gives me sleepless nights and worry lines
my teeth was being pulled out in my dreams and now i got rips to heal. to heal.

why do i feel like i've done this before?

i feel so like i've lived this life before. like meeting all the people I have met. I can remember their faces like a collage of misplaced images and abstract colors and strange smells. you ever walked into someones home and automatically think, "whoa i've been here before..." Or have you met someone and everything just went so wrong that you kinda wished you never met that person, but in time you realized that you were MEANT to be around that person.

I've met angles here on earth and i've met demons. I've had sex, made love and shook hands with the worst and the best. Along my teenage-hood and semi adult hood i've created within myself a soap opera of sorts, a thriller, a love scene or two, or three and so on...

i remember meeting these people and smiling from cheek to cheek to empress them, and talking softly to attract them. in the middle of our courtship, i entrap or become trapped. i've recieved and given...all kinds of things. in the past i always would ask to myself...do they think about me from time to time?

i don't think about that anymore...now my thought is...why was i meant to meet that person and what if i didn't.

do i regret things i've done in the past...of course...but who's more sinful then anyone else? or better yet, who's the angel? and who's the demon?

back in the day, when i was young, i'm not a kid anymore...

Thursday, August 04, 2005

i met a woman willing
i met a woman who was willing to talk to me
eat ice cream and walk with me
willing to listen with me
willing to wash me
willing to kiss me
although scared, willing to miss me
willing to share herself with me
willing to be herself with with me
she danced with me
we danced together on and off beat
we made our own beat
our own heat
willing to be my friend
through thick and thin
God willing.

come here boy - imogen heap

let go.

different.

as my eyes hit urs. my heart fell to my knees as i start to see, the sadness and shock in ur face. i space, out the words that hit the inner part of mouth just to say, hey how are you.

i can't wait, i can't stop, i give u a spacial hug made of sphere's and star spangle banners i keep it stepping like hopping off a treadmill.

i feel so different. before i would of closed my eyes and took a deep breathe sucking u in me and now i wanna run as far away as i can get.

far to the amazon through leafy dreams and smuthered thoughts, through lazy sunday afternoons and thick dumplings. remote control i control as thoughts of old you and old me

start reminising. it's different.

im singing, laughter. cries. i scream.

i have my hands outside of the boat running my stale fingers against the waters that are you. i feel and smell ur love against my heart pounding in pain i scream, i fell and crashed against broken glass and scrapped knees. i hug her coke bottle glasses tinted pink sitting on rolledcarpet. i kiss ur cheeks wish and hoping only to get her back into my dreams. touching my head board and tracing life and death all in one touch i killed you and created someone else. i lied only to see my smear lipstick all over your dick. my tounge traces all who come before and one who comes after. i buried my dreams in a pile of compost. spoiled banana's and fake gestures. come and get me before i fall, thats all i could scream in help in tears and in misery. no more i am found upon peace and flowered lilacs. i don't need anyone to save me. i don't fucking need your hands. i don't need ur lips, ur love, or your fucking dick. nothing. i have song, laughter, cries. and screams.

FUCK YOU. i never loved you. i love q.

dentist

why does the dentist scare people so much? sweat palms, nervous twitch and frequent urination. as i was sitting in the dentist chair staring at the cheesy portrait of bambi, i thought...why couln'd they have bold nice colors on the walls and nice photographs of calm sceneries and children playing? then the dentist assistant comes in and slaps the "x-ray protectent" on my body and stuffs plastic sharp squares in my mouth. she leaves and flick the switch on me. ? okay. I'm confused. why do i have to radiated and she doesn't? i felt a little nausea when she zapped for the 4th time. after waiting an hour, yes an hour. the doctor came in and counted my teeth and said," she needs more x-rays." oh ok...thanks alot. radiate my body even more, its not like i don't use my cell phone and microwave food enough, i need to be x-rayed even more, sheesh!!!

so she comes back in and starts placing those uncomfortable plastic films in my mouth and proceeds to zap away at my insides. arggg i could've strangled that lady. she shoved those pieces into my mouth like its not hurting. ARGggggg. tears welled up in my eyes while trying to tell her that it hurts. her and her broken english replied," Sowry." after all that craziness i still didn't get my teeth cleaned. the doctor made another appointment for me and told me that i need 3 fillings and an EXTENSIVE cleaning.



HOLY FRAGGLE ROCK!!!

-more pain awaits me.

you and i.

i and you share many special moments. i woke up this morning thinking WOW. i am so lucky to have another chance at life. another chance at u. you ever feel like if only you could turn back time and be someone else. have you ever let ur alter ego into real life? and feel like you can't control it. its like ur living in the virgin diaries and everyone around you lusts for you. and you can't help but lust back. i only wish i was living in reality back then. i only wish i kept them as friends and nothing more. if only i blocked out soft lips, and great minds. sex and talk brought me back again and again, if only i knew i was only being used. i kept thinking how can someone like my self be used and mistreated, How? easily i guess. my sticky fingers consumed my insides and i let it happen. if only i had been more truthful in my deeds, did's and do's. but i guess you and i have alot in common and we have gone through the color purple of pain. i, you and me are no more. my alter ego died a long time ago. now its just you and i.

my weekend again.

my weekend was fabulous and grand. I had the love of my life over to my house and we went to a babyshower. it was greaattttt. we made love finally withoout any problems or issues. that was excellent. my whole weekend was just perfect in every fantasy, cinderella, prince charming way.

im feeling so urban.

yesterday i was at home watching MTV. doing my nails and basking in the coolness of my AC. there was something in the air that made me feel calm, urbanatic, and smooth. the way i breathed was slow, calm, and juicy. my lips wanted to say the words i was feeling but my body got their first. i blew all over my covers and woke up from a dream only i can dream. breeeeeeathe.

...R.I.P. Dj Mastamyne - always in hiphop heaven

i thought of.

i thought of alot of things yesterday and I kept trying to get them out of my head. thoughts of past deeds and recent past mistakes. do i regret? in some cases i do. i wish i waited to be with him and i wish i had never cheated. i wish of alot of things. if only i knew then what i know now. life is a balance. i guess everything was meant to happen so that a domino might fall and catch on to another. iono. i wonder what my next domino is. pregnancy? marriage? better job? i don't like to gamble but maybe i thhink i should.

malikie

i look at him and i think , where am i going to be when he grows up. will he remember all that i did for him? will he know that i love him very much? like he is my own. he's going to be 9 months pretty soon and he's like another responsibility. i layed with him last night and watched him sleep and i kept thinking...thinking about having my own children one day. what would they look like and do? iono. sweet malikie this is for you.

little explaination.

only reason why i started this blog is to keep a record of my thoughts for myself. if people comment its only because they feel moved to. sometimes my words are confusing so please, read it over and over and you will get it. i am not afraid of judgment. i have had it before. enjoy.