memories.

it was the spring of 98. and the day before i had asked a guy named Jose to pick me up from school and bring me home. he drove a red honda civic hatchback and was very soft spoken. his eyes were rustic and old soul-ish. he was cape verdean in every sense of the word. he had a small accent and wore, on somedays, sandal's and socks.

he was my boyfriend's, or should i say at that time, ex-boyfriend's cousin.

from the first time we met. in a crowded car. we were instantly fixated on eachother. he started to talk to my best friend and i was his cousin's girl. we would eventually talk on the fone for hours. he would also give me compliments here and there in front of his cousin. i absolutely loved his intelligence and was intoxicated by his smooth red wine voice. he was into all the same things i was into and had alot more time for me then my boyfriend. at that time we were going through some issues. i kept hearing roomers of him flirting with all the girls in school. he was 2 grades higher then me but that didn't deter me from hearing all that he was doing. that said. his cousin seemed to adore every droplet of our conversation.

we become so heated and started to spend so much time together. september 26, 1997 i asked him to come over my house. i played hooky that day and he came straight over. i was upset about hearing that flavio had slept with another girl that i wanted some comfort. my grandfather was living with us at that time so when he came into the house i asked him to be very quiet.

months before this me and my boyfriend were in my house. trying hard to de-virginize my body, but it didn't work. i guess, maybe, i think, this was meant to be. me and Jose.

i held his hand and we walked down to the basement. it was the family room. with red velvet couches and a t.v. we sat down and we talked. he kissed me. we kissed eachother. i got so hot that i knew i wanted him.

i grabbed some blankets in the laundry room and shut the door. we were in the dark. i can still smell the clean laundry sitting to the left of us. i layed is down and we started to continue to make out. he was so smooth and soft. he whirled around my body like magic. making sure he kissed every last spot. all these emotions started running through my mind and body.

he was naked and so was i. i could feel his hot penis against my vagina. i remember thinking i wanted to pee.

he tried sliding in and i had a shock of pain. it ran right down the middle of my body and induced tears from my eyes. he calmed me down much like a mother would a child. and he started again. slowly. softly. so much patience that it finally fit through and it was painful. but his voice soothed me oh so well.

i hear footsteps. it's coming toward the door, hurry! get out the back door. RUN! my grandfather tries to pen the door. but i had locked it. i said WHAT?!? what do you want?!? when the coast was clear he opened the door. i was dressed and pretended i was doing laundry. it was a clear getaway.

my house fone rang. i picked it up. it was my boyfriend. he wanted to see me and talk about the roomers flying around. i told him he could come over but only for a little while. he walked into my kitchen. i had not even washed Jose's smell off of me.

i sat next to him but at an angle. he looked at me and started rambling about all the talk that was going around and said that they were lies, and that he felt bad for not getting to talk earlier. something inside murmured. he said what? i then knew i had said it out loud. i said um, nothing. please continue. he kept going on and on. i interrupted and the fone rang. it was Jose. asking how i was doing. i said i'm fine. he wanted to come by right then to give me a proper goodbye. i said no he couldn't. my boyfriend wanted to know who it was so i shunned him. then i hung up. he obviously knew something was up. but i said it was my mom. he knew hat was lie.

he continued his story until i had enough and had to confess. i told him everything. it was like the more words i spewed out of mouth the bigger his head got and the color of his face started to change like blowing up balloons. he asked where his cousin would be. i said i don't know. and started crying. he called his cousin's home and he wasn't there. he stormed out of my house and vowed to beat up his cousin. i begged and cried.

later that day i found out that they did end up meeting and they did get into an altercation.

the rest was history. me and Jose tried to be more then just lovers. but it didn't work. then me and my ex started something again. but that didn't work.

that spring of the next year Jose picked me up to let me know he was going to study abroad. i at that point hated his every being. not because he did anything wrong to me but just because he was there, and i was helpless. i guess the only person i can blame for being prey was me. it seemed like everytime me and Jose spent time together it was just to fuck.

it wasn't like the first time. he came by my house at around midnight to say goodbye. knocking around on my basement windows and woke up the whole house. my parents called the police and when they came the police offer asked if anything got broken, nothing stolen? and my father said No. this guy was just knocking on the windows. so the police offer asked...do you have any daughters?

that being said. he left for England. and wrote me constantly. only now do i appreciate what kind of man he was and is.

my best friend took my virginity.