Gira Sol

Je N'en Connais Pas La Fin.

Have I started again? I think not. I think I am using for fuel, for engine quality. I love to lust you. use you. me. Je N'en Connais Pas La Fin.

smoking with you.

i sat on a stool, with legs spread apart. a rolled up one in my right hand and a corona in my left. as i puffed and inhaled it into my body, my breast became aroused and my legs turned into silky long rolled up cloth. my mouth filled up and my eyes glowed a bright spectrum of colors. my screams came from my head on down to my clitoris. my cries of the week escaped my body like prisoners. my mind floated above levels of conciousness. the music overwhelmed my body playing from my ipod. Yeh Jo Halka Saroor Hai. oi, me amor. i moan and rewind and rewind, pause my mind is spinning. i can feel you. yes you.

sexy logic

my logic is to unravel you
my logic is to invite u into my body
my logic is to smother u

let me bring into my pulse called inner thigh wetness
let me bring into the pain and pleasures of my most private

did i say you could talk?

stand there with your naked body.

sway. against my lips. breast. hold against your mouth.

logically place your manhood into my soil.

feed. me into your mind. galaxies and Sumerians wouldn't and couldn't hold me back from you.

let me in. my logic. dedicated to.

Ben Harper "Burn One Down"

thoughts running through my mind.

after speaking to you this morning. i don't know. sometimes i should just keep my mouth shut. but this is my blog. reflection of whats going through my mind. i got an image of me putting on some high heeled long shafted boots. black, patented leather. and standing bold-legged in front of your bed. with just black-patent leather boots on. bad girl you bring out of me. dark makeup and bleeding mascara. my amber eyes staring at yours. the heat is rising. i feel it on my back. sweating shoulders and wet hair. sticky palms and dripping music echoes through the walls into your pulsating chest. thoughts running through my mind.

the ground is shaking and at the same time my body melts into the soiled earth, stanching and spoiling. your tongue licking all my extra waste and spitting out the image that is me. the rain comes and washes me into your mouth, down your throat i go. into your bowels and into your blood. i bleed onto you. fuck you bitch. i die upon you and resurrect only to burn against your skin. thoughts running through my mind.

happy new year.

this is a new year for me. a year of healing and retribution. i now know the meaning of false advertising and have now succeeded to a new domain and a new path. i have gone through alot. my memories will stay just that, memories. i remember always wishing i could fast-forward some of my life experiences but i can't. i can't even say it went by fast. it didn't. the hardest thing i can say is that i almost lost my soul mate. that would the hardest. the one point in my life that i did and don't want to mess up. i spent most american holidays with this man last year and i plant to spend the whole rest of them with him. happy new year to you. happy new year to everyone.


i remember....

i was 17 turning 18 in the fall. first time i had ranaway. he told me he was 28 but soon turned out to be 36. more then double my age and he wanted me. he came out from california to visit me. i spent the day with him at a hotel. i remember laying in bed with him, staring at his naked body. he did things to me that made me blush. was so scared. i had already lost my virginity the year before but this man was to be my 2nd. he had a different smell then the boys my age. a different touch and deeper eyes. before the end of day i told him i had to leave. i didn't want to come back to him. he was not attractive, not even to some women. he had an animalistic face, like he was a wolf in a past life. his breath had a pungent smell, and his smile was ever more crooked then his persona. but yet i was hypnotized like beauty and the beast. one thing i did know, was that i had to go home.

i was late and when i got home i received a call from my school. they left a message stating that they would call later because i wasn't at school. i know my mother would beat me. i was petrified. so i called him. and he said that i could leave with him to california and live happly ever after. he was at the airport waiting a flight and i was brockton waiting for a bus. buses were late and i got frustrated and figured i should just go home. he called and told me to go stay at the hotel. they wouldn't let me stay, i was only 17. so i called a friend who lived in dorchester. near geneva ave. he promised to meet me at the station. we sat and talked at his place. we kissed and promised eachother we would see eachother again. that was the last time i saw him.

i told him that i was going to california to start a rapping career. i waited for his call and he wanted me to go to the airport. i had never been there on the train, but my friend told me how to get there and gave me a lucky token. i still have it.

i got to the airport to meet him. he held me and whispered, i will always take care of you. i never doubted that he wouldn't. but at that time, thats all i wanted to hear.

i couldn't get on the plane because i didn't have an ID. so we chose to take a Greyhound. it took 4 days to get to california.

i remember driving by the tuxedo sign off rt.93. and seeing these landmarks made me cry. because i thought id never see them again. i missed my mother, my father, my brother, my sisters. i just missed being home. i was gone from my home for about 8 hours. but that was enough for me. i wanted so much for the bus to stop and i could run home. i just wanted to go home.

i cried myself to sleep on the bus. when we got to nyc, he asked me if i wanted to go home. the way he asked me made me feel bad and i said no. so away i went. with my heart stretching all the way home.

pregnant.

i've been feeling like having a baby. everyday i wake up and just want to have a child. i can't help it. my period was late this week and I was so happy. I even prayed about it. but when i got my period this morning i was disappointed. i even said to myself why can't i just be pregnant. i remember in the past thinking i was pregnant. broken condoms and fearing that it would happen but never did. for a minute i thought i couldn't have kids. even my ex-bf was like "damn ur not pregnant!?!" he even said to me one time, "maybe u can't have kids..." i really pray thats not the case. but i really feel to just ...iono. have a family. i am so ready. i can feel it.

whats good...

hey, whats up. i've been just living life. working. making and spending money. love my fam, love my man. loving life with all the good and the bad. had a great xmas and a wonderful time just chillaxin. hi.