i feel so...

im so nervous...should i hug him? should i just give a hand shake? should i just nod my head and hope that he knows that i don't mean it that way? Or just go with the flow...hahaha what an idea...

how about i give him the ol' two step, cape verdean way. a kiss on the cheek and a back tap.

why do i feel like dancing to a slow spanish beat with him. a song that describes the pain and the sorrow I feel...the beat just pulsating through our bodies and tears streaming down my face in happiness. he spins me around and around until i get dizzy in his arms. my head on his shoulders and his chin on mine. his hands are getting sweaty so i wrap my arms around him as i take a good wiff of his cologne, im asleep. his dance steps involve my legs in a non-stop beat. my hips shake as he brings me closer to him. his hands slide down my side and pick up my arms and presses them hard on his shoulders.

i feel so nervous.

i had a revelation today.

i woke up feeling and i woke up breathing
i woke up with the thought of release and breathe easy
my mind creatively spawned a bed of cotton and lay easy
always under my cotton bed made with little hands i have a thorn
a thought, an uncomfortable lay, when i pay attention to this thought it gives me sleepless nights and worry lines
my teeth was being pulled out in my dreams and now i got rips to heal. to heal.

why do i feel like i've done this before?

i feel so like i've lived this life before. like meeting all the people I have met. I can remember their faces like a collage of misplaced images and abstract colors and strange smells. you ever walked into someones home and automatically think, "whoa i've been here before..." Or have you met someone and everything just went so wrong that you kinda wished you never met that person, but in time you realized that you were MEANT to be around that person.

I've met angles here on earth and i've met demons. I've had sex, made love and shook hands with the worst and the best. Along my teenage-hood and semi adult hood i've created within myself a soap opera of sorts, a thriller, a love scene or two, or three and so on...

i remember meeting these people and smiling from cheek to cheek to empress them, and talking softly to attract them. in the middle of our courtship, i entrap or become trapped. i've recieved and given...all kinds of things. in the past i always would ask to myself...do they think about me from time to time?

i don't think about that anymore...now my thought is...why was i meant to meet that person and what if i didn't.

do i regret things i've done in the past...of course...but who's more sinful then anyone else? or better yet, who's the angel? and who's the demon?

back in the day, when i was young, i'm not a kid anymore...

Thursday, August 04, 2005

i met a woman willing
i met a woman who was willing to talk to me
eat ice cream and walk with me
willing to listen with me
willing to wash me
willing to kiss me
although scared, willing to miss me
willing to share herself with me
willing to be herself with with me
she danced with me
we danced together on and off beat
we made our own beat
our own heat
willing to be my friend
through thick and thin
God willing.

come here boy - imogen heap

let go.

different.

as my eyes hit urs. my heart fell to my knees as i start to see, the sadness and shock in ur face. i space, out the words that hit the inner part of mouth just to say, hey how are you.

i can't wait, i can't stop, i give u a spacial hug made of sphere's and star spangle banners i keep it stepping like hopping off a treadmill.

i feel so different. before i would of closed my eyes and took a deep breathe sucking u in me and now i wanna run as far away as i can get.

far to the amazon through leafy dreams and smuthered thoughts, through lazy sunday afternoons and thick dumplings. remote control i control as thoughts of old you and old me

start reminising. it's different.

im singing, laughter. cries. i scream.

i have my hands outside of the boat running my stale fingers against the waters that are you. i feel and smell ur love against my heart pounding in pain i scream, i fell and crashed against broken glass and scrapped knees. i hug her coke bottle glasses tinted pink sitting on rolledcarpet. i kiss ur cheeks wish and hoping only to get her back into my dreams. touching my head board and tracing life and death all in one touch i killed you and created someone else. i lied only to see my smear lipstick all over your dick. my tounge traces all who come before and one who comes after. i buried my dreams in a pile of compost. spoiled banana's and fake gestures. come and get me before i fall, thats all i could scream in help in tears and in misery. no more i am found upon peace and flowered lilacs. i don't need anyone to save me. i don't fucking need your hands. i don't need ur lips, ur love, or your fucking dick. nothing. i have song, laughter, cries. and screams.

FUCK YOU. i never loved you. i love q.

dentist

why does the dentist scare people so much? sweat palms, nervous twitch and frequent urination. as i was sitting in the dentist chair staring at the cheesy portrait of bambi, i thought...why couln'd they have bold nice colors on the walls and nice photographs of calm sceneries and children playing? then the dentist assistant comes in and slaps the "x-ray protectent" on my body and stuffs plastic sharp squares in my mouth. she leaves and flick the switch on me. ? okay. I'm confused. why do i have to radiated and she doesn't? i felt a little nausea when she zapped for the 4th time. after waiting an hour, yes an hour. the doctor came in and counted my teeth and said," she needs more x-rays." oh ok...thanks alot. radiate my body even more, its not like i don't use my cell phone and microwave food enough, i need to be x-rayed even more, sheesh!!!

so she comes back in and starts placing those uncomfortable plastic films in my mouth and proceeds to zap away at my insides. arggg i could've strangled that lady. she shoved those pieces into my mouth like its not hurting. ARGggggg. tears welled up in my eyes while trying to tell her that it hurts. her and her broken english replied," Sowry." after all that craziness i still didn't get my teeth cleaned. the doctor made another appointment for me and told me that i need 3 fillings and an EXTENSIVE cleaning.



HOLY FRAGGLE ROCK!!!

-more pain awaits me.

you and i.

i and you share many special moments. i woke up this morning thinking WOW. i am so lucky to have another chance at life. another chance at u. you ever feel like if only you could turn back time and be someone else. have you ever let ur alter ego into real life? and feel like you can't control it. its like ur living in the virgin diaries and everyone around you lusts for you. and you can't help but lust back. i only wish i was living in reality back then. i only wish i kept them as friends and nothing more. if only i blocked out soft lips, and great minds. sex and talk brought me back again and again, if only i knew i was only being used. i kept thinking how can someone like my self be used and mistreated, How? easily i guess. my sticky fingers consumed my insides and i let it happen. if only i had been more truthful in my deeds, did's and do's. but i guess you and i have alot in common and we have gone through the color purple of pain. i, you and me are no more. my alter ego died a long time ago. now its just you and i.

my weekend again.

my weekend was fabulous and grand. I had the love of my life over to my house and we went to a babyshower. it was greaattttt. we made love finally withoout any problems or issues. that was excellent. my whole weekend was just perfect in every fantasy, cinderella, prince charming way.

im feeling so urban.

yesterday i was at home watching MTV. doing my nails and basking in the coolness of my AC. there was something in the air that made me feel calm, urbanatic, and smooth. the way i breathed was slow, calm, and juicy. my lips wanted to say the words i was feeling but my body got their first. i blew all over my covers and woke up from a dream only i can dream. breeeeeeathe.

...R.I.P. Dj Mastamyne - always in hiphop heaven