happy new year.

this is a new year for me. a year of healing and retribution. i now know the meaning of false advertising and have now succeeded to a new domain and a new path. i have gone through alot. my memories will stay just that, memories. i remember always wishing i could fast-forward some of my life experiences but i can't. i can't even say it went by fast. it didn't. the hardest thing i can say is that i almost lost my soul mate. that would the hardest. the one point in my life that i did and don't want to mess up. i spent most american holidays with this man last year and i plant to spend the whole rest of them with him. happy new year to you. happy new year to everyone.


i remember....

i was 17 turning 18 in the fall. first time i had ranaway. he told me he was 28 but soon turned out to be 36. more then double my age and he wanted me. he came out from california to visit me. i spent the day with him at a hotel. i remember laying in bed with him, staring at his naked body. he did things to me that made me blush. was so scared. i had already lost my virginity the year before but this man was to be my 2nd. he had a different smell then the boys my age. a different touch and deeper eyes. before the end of day i told him i had to leave. i didn't want to come back to him. he was not attractive, not even to some women. he had an animalistic face, like he was a wolf in a past life. his breath had a pungent smell, and his smile was ever more crooked then his persona. but yet i was hypnotized like beauty and the beast. one thing i did know, was that i had to go home.

i was late and when i got home i received a call from my school. they left a message stating that they would call later because i wasn't at school. i know my mother would beat me. i was petrified. so i called him. and he said that i could leave with him to california and live happly ever after. he was at the airport waiting a flight and i was brockton waiting for a bus. buses were late and i got frustrated and figured i should just go home. he called and told me to go stay at the hotel. they wouldn't let me stay, i was only 17. so i called a friend who lived in dorchester. near geneva ave. he promised to meet me at the station. we sat and talked at his place. we kissed and promised eachother we would see eachother again. that was the last time i saw him.

i told him that i was going to california to start a rapping career. i waited for his call and he wanted me to go to the airport. i had never been there on the train, but my friend told me how to get there and gave me a lucky token. i still have it.

i got to the airport to meet him. he held me and whispered, i will always take care of you. i never doubted that he wouldn't. but at that time, thats all i wanted to hear.

i couldn't get on the plane because i didn't have an ID. so we chose to take a Greyhound. it took 4 days to get to california.

i remember driving by the tuxedo sign off rt.93. and seeing these landmarks made me cry. because i thought id never see them again. i missed my mother, my father, my brother, my sisters. i just missed being home. i was gone from my home for about 8 hours. but that was enough for me. i wanted so much for the bus to stop and i could run home. i just wanted to go home.

i cried myself to sleep on the bus. when we got to nyc, he asked me if i wanted to go home. the way he asked me made me feel bad and i said no. so away i went. with my heart stretching all the way home.